My Music My Misery

[Evansville64]

they want over a thousand dollars from me , for victimless actions .
and ill definitely be miserable If i do not pay them .

[Evansville64]

This is so , so twisted ...





I might as well continue to take mushrooms, cannabis , alcohol .


there is little to nothing out there to make me happy; besides playing music to myself

[Evansville64]

Amtrak crash happened on my darkest day

(of the most recent "gully" time window) .


I go through peaks and troughs lasting a couple weeks at a time.
+/-

[Evansville64]

https://www.facebook.com/MarvinCoronelO ... 250803246/
wow

[joeyv23]

Let me preface this post with a warning. I'll point you at things that might make you angry at me for having pointed there, and I'm fairly blunt about it, but if you're willing to look for yourself and see, you may find the opportunity to change your situation. I won't tell you anything that you don't already intuitively know. Sometimes it helps seeing it coming back at you from the external world. I'm no expert, but I can say with some measure of certainty that I've just recently emerged from the tunnel in which you find yourself travelling. I know how dark it is in there. With all of that said..

I WILL NOT REPEAT WILL NOT harm any human being other than the one being tortured by pirates; Me

Why? Do you think you deserve it? Do you think you're the only one? Are you really?

Living in "Uncle Sam's toy trap" has certainly contributed to my declining mental health.

And what of the self harm? Drinking, smoking, tripping.. from experience, these are some of the most harmful things we can do and the blame can't be honestly laid on anyone other than self for doing these things. They may seem to help, but are they really? Do you know what each substance is doing to your body? How about your mind? Your soul? You are literally killing your Self with every hit, drag, or sip, but it dulls the senses which feels good and the ego complex likes that, so it's ok.. right?

That ego complex has you looking at anything and everything for a reason as to why this is happening to you. Take responsibility for Self. This can be done in a few different ways, and it doesn't mean you have to drop everything that you find some comfort in all at once (although that would probably push you through this faster and be more effective than anything else).

What is the ego? I'm not talking about pride. I'm talking about the aspect of the human psyche whose original function is to ensure physical survival. At some point, it's given more reign than it knows what to do with and it goes through a role reversal. It's no longer interested in making sure your body keeps living. Now it's congratulating you every time you do something harmful to your self. It's the thing that makes a smoker want another drag, a drinker another sip, an addict another hit. It's in control.

On some occasions , I find absolutely no value in anything . .

With everything centered around highways -roads-government , theres really n0owhere to hide...

So stop hiding. To do that, realize WHO exactly it is that you're hiding from. Is it the system that you feel is so oppressive? Or is it your own spark of divine consciousness?

Police are revenue-gathering pirates .
They know they can make someone miserable, but they continue to build psychopaths-maniacs-shooters ...

A potter cannot mold a single piece of pottery without first obtaining some clay. What exactly is clay?

Clay is a special kind of earth which is made by the decomposition of rocks through the action of weathering.

These people that you speak of, the psychopaths, the maniacs, the shooters, have all allowed their original material to decompose. How? By the action of weathering; the constant barrage of this or that, that serves as a scapegoat for the cause of degradation of the psyche. The difference in clay and people, is that we have the capacity to create motion of our own free will. We don't have to suffer at the hands of Uncle Sam whose constantly hitting us with subliminal signals. We can focus on other things, and thereby maintain our original material.

As you said yourself,

I then catch myself, gather a couple threads of hope..
There is the staggering beauty and complexity of nature; and music to remind [me of] myself

there is little to nothing out there to make me happy; besides playing music to myself

So I take it you've explored everything? If somehow it turns out that music IS the ONLY thing that can make you happy, then why aren't you playing music at all times?

they want over a thousand dollars from me , for victimless actions .
and ill definitely be miserable If i do not pay them .

Been there! I got wrapped up for internal possession a few years back, spent a year on probation, and ended up paying about $1,800 in fines. I felt defeated too. If you realize early on that you can get through the process and come out the other end, and stick by what that entails.. not smoking, not tripping, because if they pop a drug test on you, then you really will have played right into the trap laid by the system that you feel is oppressing you so, then you'll realize that it doesn't have to defeat you. It's just another experience to be had. If you ever need someone to talk to, look me up on the facebook machine. http://www.facebook.com/joey.vanhorn.5

[Evansville64]

Thank you for your analysis of my situation .
I have wigged out plenty , though I am not in such pain as Ive described earlier.
At least at the moment.
In fact, I have completely dropped "uncle sams" game playing, by not driving a motor vehicle anymore.
I did lose my job.... But now im in a position to re-plot my life .
Bike trips have become my common leisure and method to get to other nearby towns.
I also ride freight trains.
(I would gladly buy a passenger train ticket, but here in WIS usa, the passenger rail system was systematically decimated before my generation) .
Trains are one of the greatest things in the world to me; I'm a walking talking RR encyclopedia , and can easily perform challenging maneuvers while walking/clinging/riding/climbing on moving freight trains .
(my truck is equipped with an authentic, five chime railroad horn - but getting caught driving it [again] would violate my probation and land me in jail for months, despite being a peaceful , non violent person)